Writing

Stupor

Someone once told me that the way you act before 10am determines how the rest of your day will go. If you get up early and crack on with your tasks your day is likely to be productive, happy and energetic; conversely, if you struggle to get up and lie in bed till mid-morning then you are pretty much writing the day off as a non-starter. Lately, it has been the latter deciding the course of my life.

There are, of course, days when it can take one four hours to get out of bed and change the sheets. There are days when you can sit staring at a book with the greatest intention of reading it only to find yourself putting it back on the shelf and switching on the TV instead. And finally, there are days when you just want to hide away in a darkened room so you don’t have to face the reality that your life is going nowhere. Increasingly, though, these sorts of days are the only days.

In the last weeks of university I listened frequently to the song ‘Dog Days Are Over’ by Florence + the Machine. It seemed fitting because as I left that heady and enlightening part of my life behind and entered into the world of employment, I assumed it would no longer be appropriate to sit around all day listening to a John Grant album or watching Loose Women. However, since employment has yet to come to me the dog days are very much still here – albeit, as a worn out and tired old mongrel with no will to go on. After several weeks of job hunting (and rejections) the truth is I am stuck in a stupor. Time flies on and all the while I have less and less desire to take control of my own fate. Instead, I am increasingly content to sit back and wait for something to come to me, which inevitably it never will. I feel lethargic as if I have lived my life four times over and I can see no way out of this pit I am caught in.

You see, it becomes all too easy to lose all sense of feeling and consciousness when one embarks on those first misguided steps into adulthood. I have fallen into the trap but, reader, do not fear for I have realised just in time and am determined to haul myself out of it. Some of you may be feeling the same and that is why I have compiled a list of things to do and to avoid in the hope my mistakes may become your lessons.

So, here we go:

1. Do not lose heart. It may sound cliched, or even obvious, but do not give up on what your want. Even if you don’t know what you want do not give up on the search. Yes, rejection letters will come (if you get any reply at all) but take them on the chin and plough on. Remain confident – you are a fantastic person, I’m sure – and use your disappointment to make you more determined for the next application.

2. Avoid Facebook. Facebook is great for staying in touch with geographically dispersed friends and for organising events, but when you’re sat at home with nothing to do it can be another weight dragging you down. I’m sure your friends are having a lovely time in Provence, or building a school in Kenya, but seeing everyone else exploring the world and getting on with their lives can only serve to reinforce your own lack of action. In this case, ignorance really is bliss and if you can get through the day without seeing what everyone else is up to it can make your own position seem just a little better.

3. Read the news, a book or learn a language. University, or school, may be over but that’s no reason to stop educating yourself. I have found all of these things very useful in improving my self-esteem and confidence. Plus, there is a practical benefit. The more you know about the world the more confident you can feel in applications and interviews. You also never know what you might stumble across and what ideas could be planted in your own head.

4. (Re)Take up a hobby. Applying for jobs is important but it isn’t everything. Find something else to live for – a purpose to wake up every morning. Having an activity to do daily will not only make you feel like you have at least some semblance of a life but it will improve your self-confidence and make you ready to tackle the world of job hunting. Again, there is a practical benefit as employers like candidates to be able to demonstrate a range of interests and talents (apparently, having never employed anyone or been employed I wouldn’t really know what they want).

5. Do whatever it takes. Within reason, obviously. But what I mean is analyse your strengths and weaknesses and try to figure out what might be holding you back from the success you crave. For instance, a lot of applications require an initial telephone interview where they ask you such daft questions as ‘describe a time you overcame a setback’ (I never know what to say, and always feel like apologising for never having done anything as brave as rebuilding my house after a hurricane) and I soon found out I was, quite frankly, shit at them. Therefore I looked for ways in which I could improve. One of the most helpful I found was being told to imagine you are someone more confident than yourself and to conduct the telephone interview as if you were that person. Obviously, there are limits to this approach but it did make a difference for me.

6. Do different. This final piece of advice has two parts. The first part is that if you are making many applications and not having any success then do different. You are obviously not coming across well enough and carrying on with the same policy would be folly. Change up your application, write a new cover letter, ring people directly even if they aren’t advertising. Change your strategy in the hope of more success. Secondly, be different from everyone else. Do something unexpected or whacky in the hope you will stand out. Anyone can write a polite and mundane cover letter so what’s the point? Use your imagination and I am sure good things will be waiting around the corner.

For the last few days (weeks?) I have been stupefied but I refuse to let it carry on any longer. This is what I have learnt but, of course, sometimes the hardest thing is following your own advice…

The Great Lie?

Halfway through my final year of university a sudden change took place. University, far from being the liberating and hedonistic trip of self-discovery it was surely meant to be, started to feel like a cage, a prison. Instead of unleashing my true self it felt like it was holding me back. Yes, what I needed was to ditch that place, spread my wings and take off to wherever took my fancy. As finals approached and then the parties (oh, the parties. Those drunken nights that could never live up to the expectations we set for them. The pressure to have a good time was, in itself, crippling, and by 4am and after copious amounts of champagne, burgers and chocolate fountain, one had nothing left to do but sit on a rock and sigh about how the end of one’s university experience could never really be the like the fairground scene in ‘Grease’, no matter how many times you sang ‘We Go Together’ (this is a lie, no one sang it with me)) the urgency to get out increased and then finally the shadowy doors swung open and I was able to see the daylight for the very first time.

Only, the whole thing is a lie. The crushing reality hits you that the world, in fact, is not your oyster and that most of the things you could ever dream of doing are already closed off to you (astronaut, professional tennis player, teenage pop sensation). Instead, the reality is that you must sit around at home all day on your laptop ‘looking for jobs’. Recruitment consultants will contact you with “jobs that I think you’d really suit” only to never call you back once they realise your voice is a little unusual. You end up watching all of your ambition and drive sap from your pores and, in the end, the question becomes not whether you will or won’t settle but the degree to which you are willing to settle.

Of course, there is always the option of becoming rich, famous or both. This alternative has no escaped my mind and I have been diligently pursuing ways in which I can become disgustingly rich or nab a regular guest appearance on This Morning. Thus far, my attempts have included writing a novel (of which one page was successfully completed, although, I might add, the idea remains just as vivid), creating my own TV series in the vein of Lena Dunham, designing an app to make me millions (I even got as far as downloading Xcode before the realisation hit that I had no idea what to do) or becoming a television presenter. At the date of writing, all of these attempts have so far failed.

Now dear reader, I hope you won’t think me shallow or as someone who is only looking for the easy route to success. I very much understand the next few years will be a continuous slog but at some point – hopefully – the well-deserved rewards will come. I know many people consider my generation to be filled with a sense of entitlement and, to some extent, I think we are but I don’t think this is a bad thing. Yes, we believe we have the right to a certain standard of living and, if we work hard enough, we should expect success in education and the workplace but is this such a bad thing? And if it is, can we really be blamed for it? After all, it is the generation before us who became convinced that we should all go to university, only to then deride us for complaining about having to do low-paid and unskilled work when we have a degree. Wasn’t it also the previous generation who wanted to instil in us a sense that we could achieve anything if we wanted it enough and who tried to save our feelings if we came last in sports day or realised that, actually, we were just a bit shit. I’m not saying all of the blame should be shifted but at least acknowledge that part of the reason we are as we are is because we grew up in a context created for us.

My quest for a meaningful life goes on (and I very much hope you will join me for it) but I want to leave you with one last message. This post has been a bit ranty and pessimistic and for that I most certainly do not apologise. I do not, either, really believe that we are sold a great lie about what is possible; I still very much believe the lives we want are all out there waiting for us. What I also believe, though, is that wanting it isn’t enough. You have to take concrete steps to achieving it and, yes, it may be a bit shit for a while and you may have to settle temporarily but in the end you can do it. I was naive to think liberation would come the second I left university – it hasn’t. But that doesn’t mean it won’t. The doors to this particular cage are ajar just a little more and to swing them open completely is going to take one hell of an effort. But it’s an effort I’m committed to.